YIKES!!!..........

Yesterday I went somewhere. Possibly one of the most embarrassing- but necessary-places for any self respecting person to go.

3 Guesses...

No not there, nah, not there either.

I went to the SEXUAL HEALTH CLINIC (ROARRRR!!!)....

Yes, I actually did have this expression on my face when unknown

Dr (who ,btw, I don't even KNOW) proceeded to insert gloved fingers

It's the first time I've ever step foot in one....Yeah, I know its terrible because I'm in my early 20s and there are a million death trap diseases catalogued on the genitalia of every third person in the world and 6 degrees of separation and BLAH BLAH BLAH........

I'd been putting it off for ages, but yesterday, after months of deliberation, I decided to go ahead and do this once and for all- you know, just in case. Yep, Just in case my on again-off again-I don't even know what to call him, so eff labels-guy had left me an unexpected asymptomatic gift. Luckily for him, he hasn't so I will not be hiring a hitman.

Now that Ive been, I don't know what I was so afraid of. Could it have been the prospect of being felt up by unknown persons?

Or maybe having Unidentified Non Flying Objects forced into nether regions?

Could have been the SHEER embarrassment of seeing someone you know?

Follow me as I reveal why the answer is all of the above and more...

1. Why must the Nurse come into the waiting area and call out my first and last name at 1000000 decibels, ensuring that everyone within 100 miles radius will now be able to start a Facebook group about me and how I have (insert name of STI here). Cue Promiscuity Rumours.

2. Why would you think you can give me the eye and smile at me? in the STI clinic? THE STI CLINIC? This is not the club, keep it moving. There's nothing to see here baby.

3.Why were there 2 dudes there that I see around (you know the types that are in your social circle, you see them at parties but you just haven't spoken to them yet) chillin on the wall, flaunting the swagger of Usain Bolt after a race. Cue Promiscuity Rumours. Again. Avoid eye contact at all times (see rules below)

4. Why would you feel it is time to make jokes? This isn't Paramount Comedy. Although I did find it funny when one of the dudes on the wall thought it was necessary to announce to everyone that he wasn't here for himself, but was just accompanying his friend. LOL!

5. Why were there kids playing Usher's 'love in the club' over their mobile phone loudspeakers?- yeah, yup- that's how u got here in the first place!

6.Why would it be necessary to use a giant mutant needle and extract TWO vials of blood from me? It hurts you know. And why would you need TWO? Obviously, there is a secluded NHS conspiracy to collect blood from unwitting victims and use them for BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS. Or maybe not. But you can never be sure.

7. Did you know someone putting their fingers inside you could feel absolutely RUBBISH? I didn't know. Yesterday I just felt intruded. Not even a slight shiver. Definitely no loss of breath. YUCK!

8. Why did the Doctor literally throw a plastic conish looking thing inside me with NO WARNING which led me to scream a bit like a virgin or something.

9. And how dare she ask me to spread my legs wider? who does she think she is? GOSH!

10. Why was I asked questions like 'Are you paid for sex?'? HUH?!

Luckily, learnt something from this experience. I learnt that, at the risk of appearing to be anti-social, shifty, weird and criminal-ish, Avoiding Eye contact solves a multitude of problems :

• In the waiting area, AVOID EYE CONTACT with EVERYONE at all costs. In doing so you will avoid striking up conversationS which start with phrases like 'Sooooo...I don't think Chlamydia is that bad...' and could possibly end with 'can I take you out later? :-o



• In the Patient room, AVOID EYE CONTACT with the doctor at all costs. This will prevent the awkwardness of having to conversate with an ABSOLUTE STRANGER, who is now FULLY qualified to accurately describe the texture and viscosity of your sugar walls.



• When you leave the clinic AVOID EYE CONTACT- WITH THE WORLD! Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the most dangerous part. This is the part where innocent, uninfected, just-being-safe people (like me) could be called out and labelled for LIFE. You know the postman saw you walking out right? and Sam's sister; and Jason from college;and your old primary school teacher; and possibly your mum

Sure Am glad I know for sure I'm clean though. Now I don't have to deal with Awkward Herpes Silence Convos.......

Everyone needs the GUM clinics though, so... http://www.condomessentialwear.co.uk/